I saw someone today shyly post about something from their past. They had one big question: “Is this good, or is this cringe?”
I bristled. Shame has always been a part of my mental landscape, peeking over the horizon to tell me that not only what I do is bad, but what I am is bad too. I have been desperate to kill this judgemental part of me since adolescence.
We all have inflection points and, not to go too far into things that should live with my therapist, but I had a major one in 2nd grade. I was in a situation where I realized I was never going to fit in. Lots of neurodivergent people experience this. A failure to conform. I berated myself for years in my youth for being too… too big, too loud, just generally too much. And with the rise of the Internet, our archived moments increased and our fear of social punishment for not performing humanity correctly grew.
In middle school I rebranded as weird as I could. If I could claim intent, I could neutralize the shame. You cannot say I am too weird if I claim weird. Then you are accurate, not cruel, and I have succeeded, not failed.
As I grew older I realized it was because I struggle to mask my earnestness. But that is not the Hallmark of a person who oozes cool. Cool people are disaffected. I am deeply affected. Overflowing honesty, emotional intensity, and boundless enthusiasm for details. I want to learn what drives people, I want to record it and I want to keep it safe and precious like the ones who share their passions with me.
I have joy now because I no longer police my behavior to “fit in”.
Cringe was built as a social punishment. There are things I certainly find cringe. But they are things that go against my values. I find racism embarrassing for the people who uphold that system. I look at classism with disgust. I turn my nose and look away at people who are cruel to people based on their gender or sexuality. That is what is socially unacceptable. Not someone sharing their happiness at something that doesn’t scratch the same itch for me. And kinda, finding that cringe … Is kinda cringe.
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